Do you sometimes wonder if you are actually cut out to be a mother?
My eldest is 5 this week and I am suddenly realising that I don’t have that ‘natural’ mummy gene. I thought I did but I don’t think I do. My youngest is 21 months old. He is at that testing age- pushing boundaries and learning about the frustrating world around him. I have to constantly be on my toes. Watching, catching, teaching.
I have come to realise that I’ve become that shouty mother, the one everyone looks at in the street as you bellow after your child who has clearly forgotten all that you have tried to teach them or have you taught them wrong? The frustrated mum with the whingy child, but are they whingy? Or are you just not giving them enough attention. I’ve become the mum who is too embarrassed to let anyone in the house, where housework production has halted as I just can’t seem to find time between juggling the kids and work/university. And whilst tidying one thing, the boys are making more mess elsewhere. But that’s not the kids fault, maybe that’s my fault for taking on too much and thinking I could further my career aswell as bring up my young family. I’ve become the mum who rarely takes her children to the park, soft play or any other activity that might involve a lot of people. I struggle in busy places, too frustrated and worried resulting in the boys having a rubbish time. The boys miss out as I feel I can’t cope.
I can’t seem to lovingly mother anymore, I feel like I’ve turned into a well oiled machine, doing what has to be done everyday to keep the boys fed, clean and entertained.
When did this happen? And why do I feel like I’m not cut out for it anymore?
I don’t want to be this person, it’s ironic really with the profession I’ve chosen. I feel like I’m sat on my high horse giving advice to new mothers, experienced mothers or mothers needing help and here I am unable to mother properly myself.
I need to stop dwelling on it and now I’ve recognized it, do something about it.
Where do I start?